After living with anxiety for nearly 45 years, my father, Carl Kaphan, recounts how the mental illness has impacted his experiences since childhood and shaped his outlook on life. We sit in my brightly lit kitchen next to each other, and as I ask my questions, he fixes me with a quizzical and carefully gentle gaze, reflecting the tone of his thoughtfully crafted answers.
I want to start out by asking how you would define anxiety for yourself? For some context, many online websites describe anxiety as a feeling of fear and dread.
I mean, I don’t disagree with that, it is a feeling of dread and it can be paralyzing.
How long has anxiety been going on for you, and how has it shaped your life?
I can remember feeling anxiety at a pretty young age. I have this distinct memory about ordering pizza. I was fairly young and my parents asked me to order pizza for dinner one night and I remember mustering up the courage, and I also remember making a script for myself to memorize, and I was on the phone putting the order in and I made a mistake, and that felt so paralyzing to me as a kid and I ended up hanging up the phone feeling like I’d done something terribly wrong.
Are there any positives to anxiety?
I was talking to some colleagues the other day and saying how I actually enjoy the feeling of intensity and high expectations. I had forgotten how thrilling and how much of a motivator that anxiety can be. I think in small doses, anxiety can push me to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do without that foreboding sense of dread and intensity.
How do you think anxiety shapes the way you interact with other people?
It plays a bigger role than I’d like it to. When I was young it made me very withdrawn and shy, but I do think now I’m able to reach out and make connections with a lot of different people.
Do you think your relationship with yourself has been highly impacted by anxiety?
I think it’s allowed me to have some humility because of a fear of the unknown, or a fear of failure, or a fear of letting others or myself down. It allows me to be curious and question my motivations.
If you could choose to live without anxiety, would you?
My initial gut reaction is that I wouldn’t be the same person without anxiety. It’s a part of me, I can sometimes make peace with that and I’ve been able to find worth in my experiences. It doesn’t feel good, but I don’t think I would want to be without it.
Carl continues to learn about and overcome his anxiety every day, looking for positives and pushing through the negatives.
